“Perfect Family Portrait”- We’re pretending like the twins always wear matching cashmere sweaters and keep their fingers out of their nostrils.

“Fabulous Vacation Photo”– Jack cashed in our retirement fund to go to Costa Rica, and gosh darn it, we want you to know.

Baby Announcement/Christmas Greeting–  Get ready for intimate sonogram pictures on facebook for the next six months.

Marriage Announcement/Christmas Greeting – It’s not too late to send a gift.

Cat/Dog Dressed Up Like Rudolph Photo– I’m single.

Seven Page, Glossy Shine, Family Album Card– LOOK! AT! US! No really, LOOK AT US!

Unsigned, pre-printed foil-stamped cards- You didn’t really think I had time for writing cards, did you?

“Peace on Earth” Card- Our gingerbread cookies are vegan.

Cards Accompanied By A Family Letter Update- Aunt Gladys has the measles. Jim was laid off. Terry flunked out of State U. Joy to the World!

UNICEF Christmas Cards– We’re judging your Black Friday spending habits.

“Happy New Year”- We’re perpetually late to parties.

The E- Card- You’re not worth the stamp.