Pass This Word

I’m going to hire a hacker. I’ve been locked out of my bank account since I’ve attempted too many passwords and I need some help.

I have sympathy for people whose identities have been stolen. But I can’t even steal my own identity these days. I have so many passwords that I can’t begin to remember them. One with a capital letter. One with a number. One with a special character. (What is a special character, anyway? Does anyone even know what ^ is called? How can it be special if nobody knows what it is called?) One with a letter between K and M, but not L, unless it is lowercase and followed by a prime number.

In the beginning, I had different versions of the same password theme: Beverly Hills 90210 characters. But things got complicated when “Dylan” and “Brenda” didn’t have at least eight characters. So, then I had “Brandon!” and “Brandon4ever” and “$BrAnDoN123$.” And that just seemed ridiculous, so I decided to give up on the 90’s television series and come up with more appropriate, serious passwords.

The problem is that appropriate, serious passwords are impossible to remember.

I do have a list of *some* of my passwords. I keep it on my bulletin board (which defeats the purpose of having passwords). Any custodian or candy-bowl-visiting colleague (the only people who visit my office) have full view of the password document. The only problem is that this list only contains passwords for things that you don’t care about. A photo account which only has pictures of my dog. (No credit card on file, thank you very much.) Logins for defunct writing websites which have already expired. The login password for my old computer which broke in half two years after college. So, as far as I’m concerned, if the custodians and colleagues want to take a peek, they can go for it.

One of these days, we’ll all be able to use our fingerprints to access our online accounts. Until then, we’re stuck with special symbols and capitalized vowels. So, if you have some time on your hands and you want to help me out, you could try to hack one of my photo sharing accounts. I know that I used the password Munster$21 for one of them. But I’ve lost the login.

If you can find the login, you can see the pictures I took of Stonehenge four years ago. Knock yourself out.

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