I don’t care about the Superbowl. But I love any activity which encourages the wearing of sweatpants. Supersweats Sunday allows us all to eat whatever we like in pants which won’t punish us for the extra helping of beef nachos.
Not that I need a reason to wear sweatpants. Sweatpants are my in-house uniform. When I return home from work, I immediately change from work clothes to sweatpants. (I don’t think my husband has seen me in anything but sweatpants for the past week.) In fact, I go through sweatpant wardrobe changes depending on my agenda for the evening.
So, in celebration of upcoming Supersweats Sunday, here is a guide to drawstring-waisted cotton trousers.
A GIRL’S GUIDE TO SWEATPANTS
1. The “HOLES IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES” (but most comfortable) sweatpants. USES: sleeping and hangovers.
2. The “WALK AROUND TOWN WITH MY GIRLFRIEND AND A LATTE” fitted and adorable sweatpants. USES: social activities which require more drinking than sweating. *Not to be confused with yoga pants, their skinny and more promiscuous sister.
3. The “GONNA SWEAT OUT THE WINE ON THE TREADMILL IF IT KILLS ME” sweatpants. USES: non-social activities which require more sweating than drinking. *Not to be confused with running shorts, which are much more appropriate for gym activity but unavailable due to laundry shortages.
4. The “FRESH ENOUGH TO WEAR ACROSS TOWN” basic black sweatpants. USES: public parties where loungewear is accepted (i.e. the Superbowl.) *Note- only the Superbowl.
5. The “MY COLLEGE LOGO MAKES ME FEEL YOUNGER AND MORE RELEVANT” USES: bad-hair days. TV binge-a-thons. Boyfriend break-up recovery.
6. The “DON’T MIND THE STAINS” sweatpants. USES: cooking pasta sauce from scratch on a Sunday.
7. The “TIGHT ANKLE BANDS TO STUFF INTO UGGS” sweatpants. USES: fetching the newspaper on a snowy morning while dodging onlookers in cars.
8. The “IT SAYS JUICY ACROSS MY BUM” sweatpants. USES: working retail in Victoria’s Secret.
9. The “LET’S DO PULL UPS IN PUBLIC” light gray sweatpants. USES: ROTC.
10. The “I DON’T GIVE A DARN BUT I REALLY DO” cheap-looking but expensively-priced and designer-made sweatpants. USES: music videos, pedicure days with J. Lo.